zerotozilch

Today I went to the circus circus! I saw acrobats, tightrope walkers and a contortionist! They had elephumps and a zebra, and llamas, and goats and camels and a brahma bull ( I think). All the animals were fine, from what I could tell. All had healthy fur and were suitable plump. They acted chill, approached people without fear, and the bull was even nuzzling up to his caretaker. they seemed fine.
The spectacle was something that I hadn't witnessed since I was very young. Its amazing how different it seemed to me now. So trashy and satisfying. This time around, I was almost as captivated by the crew, busting ass between sections to move equipment and secure rigging. I left when the grand finale was a tribute to american patriotism. Clowns dressed up as revolutionaries. Someone once said to me "Celebrating the fourth of July is like celebrating your mother's birthday after she went insane and died." Truer words were never spoken.


For those of you who don't know, Ross and I are no longer together in any way. He became a prick, and I don't want anything to do with him. That really sucks. I truly loved him, but I can't stand the person he is now. Love is indeed cruel.

Work on the farm is still good. But I am getting that 2-month itch, that Antioch timetable that says "Start packing". Soon enough I'll be gone from here, and on a plane to Amsterdam. for 24 hours. Yikes. Time both races and stands still -  its all I can do to try and feel stable and safe at any given moment, but every moment bleeds into the next (and the previous). What's a girl to do?

I feel like a lioness with no teeth. All kinds a spit and fire, but really rather defenseless. I don't have control over my own mind; I'm lost. Not totally, in fact, I have a pretty good grasp on some other important things, but when it comes to desire, I have lost my moorings completely. I feel scared all the time, timid. Immersed in an antiquated defense mechanism that says " Just do whatever they want, you'll get through this..." I can't hear my own inner voice, because of all this fear, and that is also  what creates the fear. What a mess.

after a long silence, I think I know what I want to do with my life. These things I already knew, but I guess I didn't fully understand how much they affected my being.

I'm gonna be a feminist writer. Sounds simple, right? Not easy. First, I've got to be good enough to get noticed, then good enough to get published, and published in something of higher quality than a Weekly Shopper.

But I want to inspire people. I am an activist at heart, but not the kind that pickets recruitment offices and appears on the news throwing gas grenades at the cops. Though I wouldn't put it past me. No, my breed of activism centers around saying things, making waves with my words, telling people what they already knew but couldn't say for themselves. And saying things that other people (in this case men) are afraid to hear. I will make arguments so strong that no one could silence me. I will inspire those who come after me, I will throw fuel on the fire so that girls who are now running through sprinklers will one day smell smoke and join in the fray. I refuse to be complacent. Those girls deserve better, and I want to give them the tools to MAKE it better. Just as those who came before me, and those who came before them. maybe someday I will write something, and someone else will read it, years later, and that someone will become the next Betty Fridan, Judith Butler, or Simone De Beauvoir. That is what I want. That feeling of being part of a chain of conciousness that moves through time in far greater dimensions than a single lifespan. I want every woman to know what I know, in the hopes that someday someone will find peace and strength in what I wrote.

Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. As long as it beats, keep breathing, keep fighting.

I'm still doing pretty well,, considering.
My senior project will be done on time (as I knew it would be), but its good to really be able to see the end of it all. This is also quite depressing if you think about it too hard, but I'm just busy enough to prevent me from mentally crashing again. Its not that I'm so overworked (like many of my friends, god help them) but my mind and my heart really want to be doing other things. I mean, that's almost always true, but when I "spiritual' force makes its presence known in my mind, I have a VERY hard time telling it to go away. And I'm not sorry for that. The place in which  practice and think and AM is so utterly else that I have trouble even reconciling that the two worlds exist together, at the same time.

Everything is moving so fast. And my body is so messed up. With school being so doomish and frantic, my addictions have gotten the better of me. I hate that I have to choose what to focus on - myself and what I need, or school. And yeah, all the classwork I do is ultimately for myself, but I wish didn't need to finish college right now, in one shot. But then again, I would never have had all these experiences. And that's really what its about. My pride is just hurt when my body does not look and function the way I want it to. I need some mushrooms and nudity.

I found a place to live - For the summer I will be in 833 with Hannah and Jay. This will be wonderful, I think. Their home is over flowing with life. There will be art, and healthy food, and many, many friends.

Now I just need a job.

But I got into the AEA program. That's good. Now I am just waiting to see if I get the scholarship I need. This is still my highest priority, but even if I am not able to go, I have somewhere to be. And from what I hear,, Yellow Springs in the summer is just lovely. But, oh, how I want to go to Amsterdam, Prague.... Well, it will either happen or it won't, and in either case I will be just fine. Also,, I escaped my spanish proficiency for the moment. That rocks so hard.


Aaguuuuugh. What am I doing?

Its ok. I haven't had an existential episode in while. I was rather suddenly overwhelmed by the knowledge and horror that in a few short weeks I will leave behind everyone I love, that is, everyone I choose to spend my time with. Antioch is my home! It has been said so many times, but it has never been more true. I have no social group in any sense at home in NJ. Everyone I knew in high school sucks, and really have no desire to look them up (as if  even could). Antioch contains all my friends, and I will leave them behind and be left by them. This is part of the experience of graduation, and dosen't really bother me as such. But I started thinking about memory and identity, and how impossible it is to remember anyone, indeed to know them in the first place. You can remember your feelings of someone, but not anything resembling their 'true' self, or even what they perceive as their 'true' self. I don't even know myself, much less these strangers, and this is true for everyone. Memory changes so easily - who will I be to my friends after I am no longer present? Which aspects of me will they choose to remember over others? What will be their last memories of me? I am not afraid of loss,
of course, it is ridiculous to worry about the nullifying of reality, since it barely ever existed in the first place (it is always different and deffered from itself), nor am I disturbed by the lack of objective truth (ok, maybe just a little, in this case)

I guess its just loneliness. Profound and inconsolable.  I'm working on remembering that that's ok. Its all ok. Meaning continues, much as it ever did,  and somehow we still manage to communicate in some way. I think it has something to do with what I was discussing with a friend - (and this, funnily enough, fits perfectly into my paradigm) that perhaps what will solve this dilemma is finding the place in me where I still have the strength to feel unconditional love. I'm so much more jaded now than the last time I channeled something like that.

To see the world and everything in it, in its defectiveness and sorrow, and love it anyway. Witness the abyss, and celebrate.


This whole mess makes me feel so alive. I'm sure it has something to do with the weather, but crying myself to sleep at night really reminds me of what it means to be living and conscious. Sublime! 'Cause really, where else would I be?

On a different note, I got a lot of shit done this week. AEA application - done. Senior Project - nominal. I think I actually have all the research done (gasp!) and just need to sit down and write a few more pages, move some stuff around, and make my footnotes look pretty. I have 2 weeks to do this.  The most trying piece is the one not addressed - my spanish proficieny.  I might have to do it this friday, in which case I must cram like I have never crammed before ( an experience I missed out on at Antioch), elsewise I may be able to do it over the summer.

blarg

I saw the first crocus today. It was purple and varegated.
Today I managed to hit the ground running. Good job me. For the first time in a while I have done all the things I said I was going to do. I saw about my paperwork, checked out some job opportunities, went to the gym, went to the bank, and its not even five. I still have an article to read/take notes on, but that's it. I could work on my senior project more, but I did research for that for a few hours yesterday. I'm ok. Ahh, there's nothing like the end of spring break/stagnant period bring your spirits around. My future after this term is still without form, but I feel as though I can handle that now. I just forgot "One thing at a time, and it will get done." One foot in front of the other.

Also, my much awaited graphic novel came in the mail today. THE MAXX by Sam Keith. It is most excellent. I have a growing appriciation for this unique medium of art/storytelling.
I'm glad I saw the cartoon first. It was painstakingly true to the comics and very entertaining. that's what got me hooked. There are something like 36 issues, and only 13 of them were made into episodes. So much more story to hear! I now have the first volume. 5 more to go.

I once again have hope that I can go to Europe in the fall with AEA women's studies program. Iveteta is doing everything she can to help me out, and if I get this scholarship, then I'm in like flint. Sometimes is harder to have hope than not. The same is true of the Antioch situation in general. I just can't stand to be jerked around anymore - just give me an answer, I'll (almost) settle for anything...
But then again, wouldn't it be sweet if...?


Something amazing is going to happen soon...I've been saying that all term, and its overdue. Ripe. Something wonderful is going to happen, large or small, but powerful.

I feel way better today for some reason. I am vaugely trying to pin down why, but sometimes its best not to think too hard on these matters. I seems like I was, in part, getting spooked by the absence of other people. Its good to know that the "real world" is far more crowded than the Antioch College campus over spring break. Especially this term. If, typically, 5% of the campus stays here over break, then in the 90's that might  have been 40-50 people (roughly). Nowadays, thats about 6 people. No wonder I was depressed. Also, I finally feel as though I can get down to business with my various academic chores. Something just clicked in my brain; Oh, I'm competent again! I am no longer afraid of opening the door for fear of the doorknob! Maybe my body had just had enough of the requisite bender that happens, or my mind got tired of slacking. Most likely both. At any rate, I finally have some momentum in my life again. 

I've been so full of angst this week. I blame spring break. Its funny, though. I was a big ball of light for most of the term, so boyant and comfortable. Now its come back to bite me in the ass. You can't stay on top all the time, the realizing that again for the 1,000th time doesn't make it any more pleasant. I haven't done most of the things I need to, but I haven't utterly failed either. I've done a few hours of work on the Senior Project (Project of the Damned), and did general preperation work that is conducive to concentration: cleaned my room, answered email, did laundry. My thinking is that if I can just take care of all the little shit first, my mind won't feel so restless and I can focus fully on good old work. I have two days to complete the following :
 
Walker petition
AEA application
aquire tax forms
start figuring out where the hell I am going to live and work next month.


I can't help dwelling on the death of Antioch. So many hopes, so much effort, and what help is it to people like me who have just ONE MORE TERM's worth of credits to do, and we're out on our ears. I no longer believe that its all going to magically work out some how. I'M FUCKED. Basically. I guess I'll take a few terms off, then finish up at a community college where ever I happen to settle down. That's really not so bad. I just wish it didn't have to end this way.

Its a beautiful morning. The internet tells me it will be in the 60's today. The sun is blinding, drenching my bed. Nick made me this icon. But you know what the best part is? I'm ok. After 4pm or so its the weekend, soon to be spring break - 10 days of doing whatever the fuck I want. I have a ton of work to do, but its managable, and I don't need to keep to anyone else's schedulal. 10 days of deadline-free productivity! And here I sit, on the edge of it all, listening to the birds sing.

Everything just seems so beautiful - me, this room, and all the things I'm going to do today. Today it will be spring, and I am surrounded by love. I want to give it out like candy. I want to jump up and down for joy "Yes! I get to be here for this! This is what its all for!" This is what all the agg and angst is for, for days like this, holy days, Anything is possible, and it all makes me want to laugh some more.

My eyes are trying to explode out of my skull. Its like teething, or an earache - it aches, its hurts, it makes you want to throw a tantrum. And theres just about nothing that can be done. I got meds, but they won't start working for a few days, and this has gone on far too long as it is. I can't do any homework that involves reading (which is ok, I guess. I got shit done yesterday) and feel completely lethargic and pissed off.  I also need to do some serious detox - I had a caffine freak-out last night (this morning?) at 5am, and finally got the message that maybe I should lay off the stimulants. My body chemistry is so fucked up that I have lost track of what is normal. Fuck. That's awful! As a result, light hurts my eyes AND I have that shaky/low blood pressure/ heart-fluttery thing going on. God damn it. I feel like my body isn't even mine anymore; I have no relationship with it. My rational,conscious mind simply imposes its will on my weaker, material body.  *sigh* As much as I would like to think that I have  overcome the mind/body duality that permeates our culture, I , too, am still subject to social conditioning.

Four weeks to Senior Deadline. Four weeks to "summer vacation". What the fuck am I going to do.  probably retreat further into escapism. But as long as I can pull it together (and I think I can) I will graduate next month as planned. It'll be fine. It's fine.
Then there are little details like, where am I going to live? How am I going to pay for that place? What am I going to do with all my shit if I have to move across the country? Where am I going to find a job that won't kill my soul? Trivial, I know, but what can I do? Practical questions plague even the most idealistic among us.